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Posts Tagged ‘Sex’

I just got the following comment in my spam box.  I don’t know what to think of it, and I’m going to keep it there, but I figure it is worth sharing:

I have to make it public. It’s suppose to be secret, however most people in Austin, Tx knows about it. The police department has machine that can read your mind. It can also change the way you feel. Sexual impulses, anger, and causing you to feel fear paranoia, basically anyway they would like to feel. This means it can cause a girl or boy to feel sexual. So sexual that they will have sex with strangers. This is just like rape. This is just one crime they commit with this machine. A machine that can read someone’s mind will be used to violate everyones civil rights. Ideas and secrets about company will be stolen by their competition with ease. People will be spied on in there homes, without a warrant. (this means someone will be able to watch you during intimacy without your knowledge.) There are a lot of people all over the United States knowing about this machine and the police department being able to use it. Start thinking about how the government has given the police department a weapon to commit not only one of the biggest civil rights violations of all time, but to commit war crimes such as rape and interrogation without the knowledge of the victim. I know it is hard to believe however if you happen to know someone in the police department, just ask if they have this machine. After that, I would also like people to think about how we are able to get the government to stop letting the police department violate civil rights and commit war crimes against there own citizens.

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What Do Women Want?

I don’t fucking know. Some guy from the liberal “New York Times” thinks he does, though. That is, he’s written an article on the subject that’s readable, if not fascinating. Have a look and share some comments.

What Do Women Want?

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As at so many other times while reading the news, I recently had an ephiphany. The Catholic Church has seen its membership decline for years, a development that Pope Himmler has taken particular note of. One of the greatest difficulties in attracting new Church-goers or retaining Catholics, however, is making the Church appealing to younger generations that identify more with Madonna the pop singer than THE Madonna. I’ve been wracking my brains for a while thinking about ways the trend could be reversed and came to several conclusions. A) the Church needs some new songs. Just to take Madonna as an example, our 40 something Kabala-Baller has a number of songs that would make an excellent addition to the standard church classics sung at Mass. Like a Virgin, for example, has a number of Christian undertones that would fit perfectly into the collection. Just look at these lyrics.

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didnt know how lost I was
Until I found you

I was beat incomplete
Id been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

Chorus:

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats (after first time, with your heartbeat)
Next to mine

This song is clearly about the singer finding Jesus for “the very first time.” It might fit better in an evangelical church, but the Catholic Church can use all the evangelizing it can get. Hung Up, on the other hand, is clearly a song about someone whose faith is being tested in their long wait for Revelation.

Time goes by so slowly

Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I’m caught up
I don’t know what to do

The only thing I’m worried about is that people may get out of the song that God’s a deadbeat. You know, “hey baby, I’ll call you sometime…. NOT,” but I believe most critical thinking Catholics are aware that the Pope is the only one with a direct line to God anyways. Duh.

B) I determined that the Church needs to sex things up a bit. Why always so prude? An Australian navy submarine skipper was recently criticized by lawmakers for suggesting that the military should set higher standards for women recruits. Here’s what he said:

Asked by Ralph magazine “if female sailors all had to be hot and had to wear bikinis, would that help recruitment?,” Phillips responded: “It would certainly get the right demographic of young men in. I’m not sure how feasible it is, however.”

Commander Tom Phillips, appointed to the Australian navy’s HMAS Farncomb last year, also joked in a men’s magazine interview that the submariner equivalent of the notorious “mile-high club” for people having sex in aircraft was the “going down club.”

Okay, so obviously women couldn’t always wear bikinis, as it would get a bit chilly sometimes, but it sure as hell would get more people interested in the military. Therefore, did the clever young man really deserve the criticism he received. I say no. It even has added benefits, such as that the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy becomes one of, who is not pitching a tent. This will make hook-ups in the military’s gay community far less awkward. Though it doesn’t seem that the Australian military will be heeding his advice anytime soon, the Catholic Church should learn from the incident and come up with new ways of attracting “recruits.” Another recent incident gives some food for thought.

According to the article “A prominent fashion designer has sparked outrage in Chile by dressing up models like the Virgin Mary — in some cases with ample, near-naked breasts.” The Church’s response was predictable. “

The Roman Catholic Church condemned Ricardo Oyarzun’s plans for a show featuring the models, and a conservative group tried unsuccessfully to block it in court.

Oyarzun said he had received telephone threats and had excrement smeared on his doorstep.

“There is no pornography here, there’s no sex, there are no virgins menstruating or feeling each other up,” Oyarzun said ahead of the catwalk show set to be held at a Santiago nightclub later on Thursday.

This is artistic expression.”

This is exactly the same prude response that we’ve come to expect from the Catholic Church and it’s driving Church goers away. Instead they should embrace this art exhibit as a way to attract a younger demographic. I think a “Mile High Club” of fly bitches that are destined for heaven, for example, would attract a lot of younger men. Though Catholics have never had a problem reproducing, as seen in this great Monty Python clip –

and do not need the “Seven Days of Sex” of an evangelical church featured in a recent NYTimes article, talking more openly about sex in Church would be a great way to get nymphomaniacs back in the pews. Well, I though I might just throw it out there.

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