Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

The Church has (re)found its favorite secret weapon — female isolation. If you’ve never heard of Return of the Daughters (and there is not a good reason why you should have) click here and then click on the  “view trailer” tab at the bottom of the page.  Oh, don’t worry if you’ve never heard of  Anna Sofia or Elizabeth Botkin.  They don’t seem the type to hang out at the townie bar, do the horizontal salsa, say anything remotely interesting. Probably they don’t even know what a hand held mirror is for, let alone own a Waterpick shower massage showerhead. (Further proof of the perils associated with home “education.”)

But back to the good news: the Church can regain ground lost to Obamarama if jebus-loving-parents-everywhere would just stop educating their daughters.  What a “new” idea that is!

As one scarily religious reviewer of this propo-mentary crowed:

Prepare to be challenged. Be prepared to have many of your embedded concepts of humanism and secularism unearthed and dislodged. Be prepared to see how faithful Christian families are saying “yes” to God’s plan and “no” to the world’s. … When families no longer squander the talents, energies, and contributions of their unmarried daughters — sending them away from the home to pursue “success” — we will see another milestone accomplished in the rebuilding of our culture to the honor and glory of Jesus Christ. As the film asserts, unmarried daughters serving their fathers by forwarding their fathers’ dominion-oriented commitment to press the Crown Rights of Jesus Christ are the Church’s secret weapons indeed!

‘Twould appear that hope and change isn’t for everyone.


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As at so many other times while reading the news, I recently had an ephiphany. The Catholic Church has seen its membership decline for years, a development that Pope Himmler has taken particular note of. One of the greatest difficulties in attracting new Church-goers or retaining Catholics, however, is making the Church appealing to younger generations that identify more with Madonna the pop singer than THE Madonna. I’ve been wracking my brains for a while thinking about ways the trend could be reversed and came to several conclusions. A) the Church needs some new songs. Just to take Madonna as an example, our 40 something Kabala-Baller has a number of songs that would make an excellent addition to the standard church classics sung at Mass. Like a Virgin, for example, has a number of Christian undertones that would fit perfectly into the collection. Just look at these lyrics.

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didnt know how lost I was
Until I found you

I was beat incomplete
Id been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new


Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats (after first time, with your heartbeat)
Next to mine

This song is clearly about the singer finding Jesus for “the very first time.” It might fit better in an evangelical church, but the Catholic Church can use all the evangelizing it can get. Hung Up, on the other hand, is clearly a song about someone whose faith is being tested in their long wait for Revelation.

Time goes by so slowly

Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I’m caught up
I don’t know what to do

The only thing I’m worried about is that people may get out of the song that God’s a deadbeat. You know, “hey baby, I’ll call you sometime…. NOT,” but I believe most critical thinking Catholics are aware that the Pope is the only one with a direct line to God anyways. Duh.

B) I determined that the Church needs to sex things up a bit. Why always so prude? An Australian navy submarine skipper was recently criticized by lawmakers for suggesting that the military should set higher standards for women recruits. Here’s what he said:

Asked by Ralph magazine “if female sailors all had to be hot and had to wear bikinis, would that help recruitment?,” Phillips responded: “It would certainly get the right demographic of young men in. I’m not sure how feasible it is, however.”

Commander Tom Phillips, appointed to the Australian navy’s HMAS Farncomb last year, also joked in a men’s magazine interview that the submariner equivalent of the notorious “mile-high club” for people having sex in aircraft was the “going down club.”

Okay, so obviously women couldn’t always wear bikinis, as it would get a bit chilly sometimes, but it sure as hell would get more people interested in the military. Therefore, did the clever young man really deserve the criticism he received. I say no. It even has added benefits, such as that the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy becomes one of, who is not pitching a tent. This will make hook-ups in the military’s gay community far less awkward. Though it doesn’t seem that the Australian military will be heeding his advice anytime soon, the Catholic Church should learn from the incident and come up with new ways of attracting “recruits.” Another recent incident gives some food for thought.

According to the article “A prominent fashion designer has sparked outrage in Chile by dressing up models like the Virgin Mary — in some cases with ample, near-naked breasts.” The Church’s response was predictable. “

The Roman Catholic Church condemned Ricardo Oyarzun’s plans for a show featuring the models, and a conservative group tried unsuccessfully to block it in court.

Oyarzun said he had received telephone threats and had excrement smeared on his doorstep.

“There is no pornography here, there’s no sex, there are no virgins menstruating or feeling each other up,” Oyarzun said ahead of the catwalk show set to be held at a Santiago nightclub later on Thursday.

This is artistic expression.”

This is exactly the same prude response that we’ve come to expect from the Catholic Church and it’s driving Church goers away. Instead they should embrace this art exhibit as a way to attract a younger demographic. I think a “Mile High Club” of fly bitches that are destined for heaven, for example, would attract a lot of younger men. Though Catholics have never had a problem reproducing, as seen in this great Monty Python clip –

and do not need the “Seven Days of Sex” of an evangelical church featured in a recent NYTimes article, talking more openly about sex in Church would be a great way to get nymphomaniacs back in the pews. Well, I though I might just throw it out there.

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